Undying Regret....

Below, is a powerful story about the regret a woman feels after her decision to abort her baby. If it isn't already clear: abortion not only hurts the unborn, it hurts women. Please read this story and the many others; for this is an irreversible trauma that no woman truly ever can heal from.

Received July 2001


I remember growing up I would talk about abortion like it was no big thing. I would get into debates with my mom on how it was O.K. My state of mind was who cares, if you want it done more power to you. I never thought of it as a life changing experience but boy was I wrong.
I was with my boyfriend for two months when I found out I was pregnant. I was only 18 and had just graduated from high school. I wasn't even late I had no reason to even think I was pregnant, I just had a voice tell me "Take a test." When I took the test I came up positive, when I told my boyfriend he was happy so that made feel more at ease with everything that I knew was going to be happening. When I told my mom she and my whole family were disappointed in me, but it was done and what could we do. I had already told everyone my choice (At that time it was to keep it.) About a month later I just started thinking about everything all at once and I got scared I started to realize I couldn't do it I could not see myself having a baby with this guy, first of all he was a 24 year old drop out never had a job and he lived with his grandma to top things off he was in a gang. I didn't want that kind of life for me or my baby. So I broke up with him. After I broke up with him that's when I started thinking about abortion, I thought of it as I didn't want to give him a reason to keep coming around.
My stepmother was the first person I told about what I was considering. I told her because I knew she would understand, she her self had had two abortions prior. She encouraged it, so I made up my mind to go through with it later that night I told my mom about my decision she begged me not to, she said I could have the baby and she would raise it for me, but I didn't pay attention to her I told her no, she finally gave in and said fine. The next day I went to my doctor to get a referral then the following day I called the clinic to set my appointment. Friday March 9, 2001. On that exact day I was two months. I remember that day as if it were yesterday, I woke up and got ready, my mom and me left to the clinic. I remember walking in the waiting room and just seeing all these young girls just like me. I thought to myself just stay strong I can do this. When they called me to go to the back I stood up and my body felt as if I were wearing 40 pound weights, but I went back I filled out the papers. The people there were really nice they made me feel comfortable but I couldn't help but wonder what they were really thinking about me. They took me to a little room where I undressed and they gave me a sonogram I watched I just saw a little dot, but to me it was everything that dot was my life my creation. After I changed in a gown I sat there for a while alone and I remember telling myself I cant do this I said it out loud to myself. I couldn't stop thinking about this baby all the what if's. I was about to let my baby down in so many ways possible, As a mother your job is to protect your child make sure its safe and feels loved. I denied all of that responsibility.
When they took me into the O.R. I took a deep breath and went to sleep. When I woke up I was in the recovery, I just felt so empty inside one minute I had a life living inside me and 20 min later there's nothing. I just started crying so hysterically. The nurse came up to me and said "why are you crying you got what you wanted, now be quiet you're going to worry the other girls." I got my self under control got dressed and walked out into the waiting room as soon as I got out of there I just started screaming and crying what did I do. My mom was crying with me telling me why did I do it. I had to be carried into the car. I cried all the way home I in my life have never felt so much pain like that day.
As of course you all may know at the clinic they tell you you can go to work the same day or even the next day. Ya right. They explained about the bleeding and slight cramping but oh man I was unable to walk for two weeks. The cramping they said should last for about 3 days, each day the cramps got worse and worse to the point where I was in fetal position the medicine didn't even work. My mom called the emergency hot line twice in one night and each time they told her it was normal. It had already been two weeks since the abortion and I was still in such pain, my mom took me to the emergency, they thought it might be infection so they gave me exams but it was nothing so they gave me a urine test, my mom and me were sitting waiting for the doctor to come back in, when she came in the room she looked at me and said, "I just gave you a pregnancy test and your test came back positive." What ended up happening was the doctor did the abortion he just didn't clean me out right, so I still had the baby inside me. So all that cramping I had was the contractions of my body trying to reject the baby since it was already dead. When the doctor told me all of this I felt as if I deserved it. I know I did. So that same day I went back to the clinic and I had to have the whole procedure done all over again.
Its been 4 months now, and it still hurts like it was yesterday. What made it harder for me was after everything was done with everybody acted as if nothing had ever happened. I had no one to talk to who could really understand. I still don't. I still have that emptiness in my heart and in my eyes.
To anyone who is considering abortion talk about it with someone first, because you have no idea what your getting yourself into mentally and emotionally. When I think back to that day when I was sitting in the room alone, I wish I had the strength to walk out.
Shantel Garcia
Onlyshanie@cs.com

This And More Abortion Regret Stories:

http://www.gargaro.com/regrets.html